Don't think I don't think about it...

So I was at work today and this song by Darius Rucker came on called "Don't Think I Don't Think About It" and it was definitely not my first time to hear the song, but it was my first time to actually stop and listen to the words and what they mean to me. And yes I know what some of you are thinking, Darius Rucker used to be Hootie from Hootie and the Blowfish and how weird it is that he sings country music now, but hey his songs are pretty good! Anyways here are some of the lyrics...

Don't think I don't think about it

Don't think I don't have regrets

Don't think it don't get to me

Between the work and the hurt and the whiskey

Don't think I don't wonder 'bout

Could've been should've been all worked out

Yeah I know what I felt and I know what I said

But don't think I don't think about it

Don't think I don't think about it

Lately I have really been thinking a lot of "what if's" and this song just stuck with me today. I have sort of been in a state of mourning over my teaching career. I just feel like that part of my life is not resolved. I was just barely getting started down that path when everything literally felt like it when to hell. I know in my heart that I made the right decision for me, but it still hurts to think about how I may never teach again. I really enjoyed teaching before "the experience" happened and from what others told me I was pretty good at it! I thought that I had done it, I had found my forever job and I was going to be that sweet teacher that you would never forget and when I got older I would wear those ridiculous teacher vests with all the pins on them! I was so excited about my future and then like I said "the experience" happened and poof just like that it was all over. My future felt so uncertain and my dreams felt squashed and I guess some of those feelings are still lingering. I use the word mourn because it really feels like I lost a life that I could have had and now I am mourning the idea of what could have been my life. And you know what the worst problem about the what if game is....it always leads to a million more what if's! How would your life be different if you had taken a different path then the one you chose? Does God know what path we are going to choose...I mean He lets us choose, but does he ultimately know what we are going to do? I just wonder where I would be right now if I had made one really big different decision!

Oh and the baby question is being thrown around a lot lately. I have a default answer to when we are going to have kids and if you know me you know what it is, but it is still hard to answer all the time. I think the reason it is hard to answer is because part of me know that my default answer is only part of the reason we aren't trying to have kids yet and the other part is me. I know everybody says that you are never completely ready for kids, but I just thought that I would be in my "real" job and we would be more settled in life when we got to the three year mark and we would be ready then to have kids. But NOOOO...life had other plans. I'm back at Market Street (which I actually do like), I'm thinking about going back to school again, we are in debt up to our eyeballs because of my student loans, and life just feels sort of uncertain. The only thing that did seem to work out is we bought our first house so we at least at the room to have a baby. It is just weird to think that we are at that age when having a baby is the next logical step and makes sense. When did we get that old? 

So this was a whole lot of randomness thrown into one blog, but I just had a lot on my mind.